Deciding to live and work abroad was a huge decision for me. An exciting one. A decision that gave me unbelievable anxiety, but a decision I don’t and never will regret making.
Truthfully, one of my biggest fears and hesitations in making this choice was the possibility that I would be away and lose a loved one. With aging grandparents, this is a valid concern, though I do worry about everyone else as well. I’ve been lucky to make it to the age of 22 without losing anyone extremely close to me, but lucky streaks, as with all things and life, must end at some point.
One Easter Sunday this year, I lost my grandma. The two of us were very close. When she was sick two summers ago, I visited her in the nursing home every day after work. We'd talk about any and everything. We’d always been close and that didn’t change when I moved to Thailand. My last contact with her was the day she died. She sent me an email saying how cool it was that I had been repelling and stuff, and that while massages are awesome ways to relieve the physical pain I was in, that I should take some ibuprofen before and it should help with the soreness. She was supporting me and giving me awesome advice literally up until her last day of life. I’m so grateful to have been her granddaughter, and I miss her very much.
Learning of and coping with death abroad is not an easy thing to do. I’m fortunate that my mother was with me when I learned the news of my grandma’s death. Prior to my Nana, I’d dealt with death twice before abroad: the first time when my mom’s best friend died while I was in Italy, and the second, my esteemed professor while I was in Thailand. None of these were easy to deal with and involved some crying meltdowns.
We all cope in different ways. My way of coping involved lots of crying and wanting to be left alone, but it was nice to have the support of my both my friends and at home to help me through the sadness. With my grandma, I was faced with the question of whether or not to return home for the services. If you knew my Nana, you'd know she was an adventurous woman. I know she would encourage me to continue on my journey, but I also knew that I wasn’t giving up my new job to return home, but just putting it on hold for a few extra days. I felt a need to be there for family and an even stronger need to mourn this loss properly. What I’d learned from dealing with the past two deaths is that sometimes being physically far removed from the death makes it seem unreal. I knew that for my own mental health, I’d need to fully grieve. I needed to see my family. I needed to see my Nana and say goodbye to her. I needed to accept the reality that my Nana is gone.
It was an expensive and long trip to fly home for a mere few days then return to Thailand, but I’m so thankful that I did. I was able to mourn her loss, celebrate her life, hug my loved ones, recount stories with my family, flip through old photos, and cry like a baby. Though I didn’t want to accept that my Nana has moved to a greater place, it was necessary for me to let go, and I don’t think I would have been able to if I hadn’t come home. Though my Nana and I remained in good contact while I’ve been in Thailand, there were things I left unsaid, as there are with any death. Being able to speak at her funeral left me with a greater sense of peace.
If you find yourself in the devastating situation that is losing a loved one abroad, these are my pieces of advice:
Cry. Crying is our most natural way of mourning. Though no one likes crying, it helps to relieve some of the pain and helps us to cope, which can actually leave us feeling better.
Talk about your loss with friends. Hopefully you have at least one friend that will listen to you as you reminisce on memories of your loved one and be there as a shoulder to cry on. I personally prefer to mourn alone, but having my friends to lean on was super helpful. If you have no friends in the immediate vicinity, reach out to the ones afar.
Talk to your family/friends. They’re in pain too and know what you’re going through. They understand your sadness. They may not make you feel better, but at least you won't feel alone. Talk to them as much as you can to make this loss real. That hurts more but will be best for your mental health in the long run.
Consider going home. Don’t think too heavily about money. While that is a sure factor, you need to consider if going home and physically facing the reality of the loss will help you and your family to mourn, cope, and move on.
Think about what your loved one would want you to do. Will going home mean giving up your dreams? Would that person want that for you? Would your loved one want you to be home to comfort your family? These are all questions to consider.
Ask yourself what you need to do help to accept this loss. As mentioned before, it can be easy to pretend that nothing happened abroad. You’re so busy and in a different place, it won’t seem real. It’s easier to ignore it. But accepting loss is the surest way to feel at peace with it. Think about what is best for yourself. It’s okay to be selfish here, even if it means bailing on commitments for a bit of time.
Though death is an inevitable part of life, coping with it never seems to be easy. While life tends to drag me from my spiritual path, something about death leaves me with hope that there is a life greater than the one we are living now. I've been questioning my faith for some time now, but the end of my Nana's life helped me to realize that death is not the end. I know we'll meet again. I hope that you don't have to experience this pain, but if you do, regardless of faith, I hope you come to the same realization that I did and are left feeling more at peace.